I don’t know really know where I should start with this. This past weekend was a tell all. I was just waiting for it to Blow up. And it did. With a Bang.
I’ve heard thru the grapevine that some people don’t think I should be writing about this, about My TRUTH. That this should be Private. WELL LADIES and Gentlemen, I accept your voiced concerns. But you also don’t know who I am. Or what I’ve endured in this life. But it’s not just me who I’m writing this for. I had a family. And now, It broken. This is not just about me. It’s about the waves of this vas ocean of life. Where sometime people loose their ways. You get divided and sometimes it’s easier to just, cut the rope to that anchor. And just float away into the abyss.
I’m sorry if some may not like what is being told. But you have the choice to not read. And i’m asking as politely as possible to respect me and my CHOICE to write.
Please Read this Blog by Anna Bashkova “ http://annabash.com/new-blog/bravekids#sthash.teiKvksE.dpuf. Maybe then you’ll understand a little more.
I’ve come along way. With all the trauma and turmoil. I’d really like to think that I will be more than okay. It was the most incredibly hardest heart break I’ve had in this life. Even as I write this I have tears that are leaving marks down my face. But I have been brave, and I will continue and try to be better. A better person then I was yesterday.
That man isn’t the person who raised me. As he referred to me once, and won’t forget the words ever, “ Don’t forget who took you in. And raise you”.
Yes, I was accepted into a family of 3 already when I was 2-ish. He wasn’t my biological father. But I didn’t know the difference until now. The nurture that a dad is suppose to give you, was very much forced. We had a relationship because I pushed it. Always join in and had the willingness to learn new things. I learned from watching him. His strength and the constant drive for hard work. I am proud of what I can do. Living the life style that me and my Fiancé do, I need to know house thing, how to fix things, to take care of a home. And I’ve had the knowledge ever since I was young, because I did it around our home, while he was away for 4 weeks at a time working. But thats all that mattered, was the work. Not the family.
I’ve realized that you can’t change people or help people that don’t want it. I’ve reached that breaking point. My axis has finally split. It’s been a life lesson learnt. I should not be keeping a toxic relationship going. And I’m not going to accept that as my future. It’s not my fault.
I won’t let it destroy me. I rather stand at the top of the hill, watching the blaze die out. As you sweep the ashes away and already new life is growing. I need to love myself. To embrace all of life’s gifts. I won’t let the past haunt me anymore. To make its comfortable bed within my bones. I’ve been closed off for a long time, and shedding light to my vulnerable moments in life. My heart has been living in a cage. To protect from all the pain and hurt I might suffer. To shut off my emotions. I don’t need anyones pity. I’m doing fine. And thats probably because my Fiancé, Kris, has my back always. Who pushes me to be more.
He may have said to not even think of inviting him to my wedding, and to think again about walking me down the aisle. That was when I knew my heart had to let go, even tho I wasn’t ready.
But I’ve been lucky enough to have my biological father walk back into my life and he hasn’t left. I am thankful that I am getting to know this man. A life and relationship that had been denied to me. I’m learning so much. We talk at least once a week; some times even more. Our conversations are always over an hour long. I could talk to him forever, about anything and everything. I deserve so much more credit then I’ve been given. But that just my opinion. This man even accepts my 2 sisters as kids he cares about. How many other dads do you know that cares about 2 other children that aren’t his? They are rare. And they are important, because they are the people, out there, who are the real hero’s. And they should be recognized even more then they already are.
I am learning to open up, and to love myself, to achieve the ability to love others as well. “Without the toxicity, there is nothing stopping you to be fearless, embrace life, and embrace yourself. Let yourself be with people who support and make you feel safe – who are worthy of your effort and love. And don’t ever be frustrated if you still love him, just be sure to love him from afar.”- http://annabash.com/new-blog/bravekids
I hope that by sharing this, it will give you the light to shine threw the darkness with me. It’s been dark for a long time.